Saturday, May 31, 2008

Who the hell understands Man? Seriously?

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome but are nice have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome but are nice and have money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, who are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!

P. S. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.

10 Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:

You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.

As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Top 10 Ways to Reject Pick-Up Lines

1.  Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

2. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

3. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

4. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

5. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

6. And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"

7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line,"Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once...
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
You make me wanna... Zee

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Top 10 Ways To Get Rid Of A Telemarketer

1. Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. Maybe sing a song with all “No’s” This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

2. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could it. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like that other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?”

3. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my colon is acting up again, my rectum are sore, my pet rock just died…” When they try to get back to the sales process, just keep talking about your problems… if they persist - ask them why they don’t care.

4. If the person says he’s Joe Shmoe from the Acme Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask for his address. Ask for landmarks. Continue asking questions about the company for as long as necessary.

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Jessica and I’m with Roger Dodd Services…. You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”

6. If you get one of those pushy sales people who just won’t shut up, patiently listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the deal, tell them that you’ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, go shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

7. If a long distance phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?” If that doesn’t work, say “Please.”

8. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. For example:
Telemarketer: “This is John From Acme Sales.”
You: “Acme Sales, hey I work for them too! Which center are you calling from?”
Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.”
You: “Great, how’s business over there? The weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger. You might even find your soulmate.

10. Tell the telemarketer (this is my personal favorite) you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of telemarketers). If the sales person says, “Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home,” say, “Ya! Now you know how I feel.” (smiling, of course…)

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Top 10 Bushisms

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft."

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that."

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."

4) "They misunderestimated me."

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?"

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Top 10 Things Not to Say When Picking Up Your Date

10. "Now.. show me how you used to spank her."

9. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"

8. "I just got my license today."

7. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."

6. "You taught her to swallow, didn't you?"

5. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"

4. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"

3. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."

2. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."

1. "I feel like we both have something in common, she calls ME daddy too!

Top 10 Reasons to go to work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Top 10 Lame excuses for Speeding

10. The only way I could demonstrate my faulty clutch was to accelerate madly.

9. There was a suspected case of foot and mouth and I had to rush to see the cow concerned.

8. A violent sneeze caused a chain reaction where my foot pushed down harder on the accelerator.

7. I had to rush my dying hamster to the vets.

6. The vibrations from the surfboard I had on the roof rack set off the camera.

5. Strong wind behind my car pushed me over the limit.

4. My friend had just chopped his fingers off and I was rushing the fingers to hospital.

3. I was in the airport's flight path and I believe the camera was triggered by a jet overhead, not my car

2. I had passed out after seeing flashing lights, which I believed to be UFOs in the distance. The flash of the camera brought me round from my trance.

1. True story. A Swiss man was caught speeding on a Canadian highway and he said “I was taking an advantage of the ability to go faster without risking hitting a goat".

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Top 10 Lame excuses for being late

o10. I am caught in some kind of space-time continuum loop and I am reliving Sunday. As soon as I reverse polarity I will be in work late (or maybe early).

9. I dreamed that I was fired, so I didn't bother to get out of bed.

8. The dog ate my car keys.

7. I thought it was a holiday.

6. I saw an old lady playing a computer game and I just have to help her get a level up.

5. I stopped for a bagel sandwich, the store was robbed and the police required everyone to stay for questioning.

4. A bee flew in my car and attacked me and I had to pull over.

3. I dreamed about a hockey match and it was overtime.

2. Actually, in many cultures being late is a sign of great respect. I think our culture is too time oriented, don't you?

1. The power went out and I didn't have batteries in my alarm clock.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Top 10 Worst way to Break up

10. Send a text message or and email “It’s over” 10 times, to be sure she or he got it.

9. Message on a machine “I want to tell everyone that I’m breaking up with Ashley, so girls you can finally leave your message here after…”

8. “Bob, on this Merry Christmas card I want to say that I’ve never considered you as a boyfriend anyway, let’s just be friends again.”

7. “It’s not me, it’s you… I mean, it’s not you, it’s me. Okay, who am I kidding, of course it’s you.”

6. “I’m becoming a Jehovah's Witness, so I couldn't date outside my religion anymore”.

5. “I’m in love with your best friend, so I guess we won’t come on your birthday today. Sorry”.

4. Baseball game. Big screen. “Sarah, will you break up with me?”

3. “Honey, the last 10 years were amazing, but I don't want to spend next 10 with you. I know mother’s day is coming, so don’t tell our kids yet.

2. “Dear Marry, I posted this video on youtube, because you were a terrible lover. Jenny, come on in, let’s show Marry how to do it.”

1. At the funeral “Me and your twin-sister kind of, you know…, and I’m really sorry about your dad, that car accident wasn’t totally my fault.”

Top 10 Worst things you can say on your First Date

10. “You know my ex-girlfriend didn’t liked my dad, who raped me when I was 14. She even thought that’s weird.”

9. “Sorry for asking, are you pregnant?”

8. “My imaginary friend likes you too”.

7. “I’m just so tired of dating prostitutes and strippers, they was too hot for me, so I decided to give you a try.”

6. “Are you sure we’ve never met before? Oh, I see it now; perhaps I dated your sister with that big noise.”

5. “I just got out of jail, could you pay that bill?”

4. “You’re so beautiful; you look just like my mom! I wanted to bring her today, but unfortunately she couldn’t come.”

3. “You want to have sex? Great, just checking, is it for free?”

2. “Will you marry me? No? I’m gonna kill these voices in my head.”

1. “I love you. Where are you going?”

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Top 10 worst ways of proposing

10. Phone, chat room, text message or email. “You want to see this movie again? Okay, by the way will you marry me?”

9. If you give her a box and she sees that it’s empty. And you are saying “just pretend that the ring is in here”. P.S. paper ring also doesn’t work. You can always buy the “real” ring for 5 bucks or so. That way you can replace it later, if you want to of course.

8. Asking the bride's father first will be a mistake. “I wanted to ask your blessing, sir.” “She really said “yes” to you?” “Actually I wasn’t talking to her yet, but…” “Oh, thank God”

7. Asking your best friend to convey the message will be a disaster. “Yeah… and Bob said something about proposing, you want to?” “What?” “So that “what” is like “yes” or “hell no”?”

6. McDonalds way. “Hey, what’s that in your hamburger?”

5. If she is really busy and tired or in a bad mood. And you say “I know that I’m not perfect and you’re not perfect, but seriously I don’t think we can do better, so let’s just...”

4. If you’re saying something like this “You know a lot of girls waiting in a line and they ready to take your place, anyway are you in?”

3. “You are the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen and I really want to get old with you. Kelly, will you marry me? “My name is Molly!” “Potato, potato, so will you?”.

2. Proposing in a public place like a stadium or on TV, for example like Jerry Springer show. “Honey will you marry me?” “Yes, but I need to tell you a little secret, actually I was a man”.

1. You’re with another women, and your girlfriend just came in. And you say “Honey, it’s not what you think. I love you. Really! I can prove it. Will you marry me?”

And remember if you planned every second of that as you call it “proposing day” for almost a year. You reserved a restaurant where you had your first date, bought several thousands of her favorite flowers for each day you was together. And you even got two tickets, so you will be proposing in Paris, spent your one year’s salary for the ring and it’s Christmas time. It’s too perfect. What’s wrong with that? I’m gonna tell you, just don’t waste her time, you’re gay.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

You are Internet addicted when:

1. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

2. You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

3. Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

4. Your friends no longer send you e-mail.... they just log on to your IRC channel.

5. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

6. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

7. You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

8. You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

9. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

10. Your dog has its own home page.

11. Your dog's homepage is actually good.

12. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

13. And even your night dreams are in HTML.

14. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

15. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

16. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Your boyfriend is cheating with your best friend? Top 10 Revenges!

1. Stop calling her “best friend”, she is not even your friend, she is cheating with your boyfriend for God’s sake. And if a man cheated on you once he will cheat on you twice, so from now on start calling him a pig.

2. Don’t tell pig that you already know everything, because making a scene won’t help. It’s better do things behind his back. That way you will have some fun.

3. First, you need to find his weakness and strike at the right time. So if he is very sensitive to something or has an allergy, you can easily use it.

4. Actually it’s not a very good idea but you could do exactly the same, like dating his best friend.

5. Another way to revenge is to find what this cheating bustard is really care about and destroy that thing “accidentally” of course. P. S. If he has a dog, and he really cares about it, please don’t destroy it, because I like dogs. Cats are good to go.

6. If you think he doesn’t care about anything, you are wrong. He definitely cares about his car.

7. Next tip is cruel but I’m sure you will have some fun. Just tell him a little secret that your “best friend” is pregnant and watch his reaction. Probably he will have a heart attack. I would.

8. If you have a friend who works as a policeman or even an FBI agent, it’s a lot of opportunities. I’m sure you know some of his secrets, if not, just use your imagination and your cheating boyfriend will end up in jail for a day or even more.

9. You can use an internet. Just upload his photo to the several adult sites or if you really hate him you can make an youtube video from his name saying that he hates bikers and thinks that they are all pussies. Leave his real telephone number and address and I guess he’ll get even more than he deserve. But if you still think it’s not enough or want him suffer not physically, but emotionally you could always make a video saying that he’s an impotent.

10. Don’t do this. It’s like a nuclear strike and the worst thing you could ever do “kick him in the balls several times”. I didn’t tell you that.

If you don’t like any of my tips just watch Godfather or ask yourself “What would Eric Cartman do?” It’ll inspire you for something really amazing. Don't break the law and have some fun.