Friday, April 17, 2009

Prison Vs Work

you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

you get three meals a day FREE

you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

you get time off for good behaviour.

you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.

you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

you can watch TV and play games.

you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

you get your own toilet.

you have to share.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Signalman job interview

Andy wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

The inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?

Andy said," I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down to the signal box", said Andy. "And use the manual lever there."

"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

"Then..." Andy continued, "I'd run back into signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

" that case," perservered Andy, " I'd rush down out of the box and use the PUBLIC emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

"Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my Uncle Brown."

This puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, " Why would you do that???"

"Because he's never seen a train wreck !!"

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The FBI interview

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun."

The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out.

"Sorry, I can't." he says.

The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man comes out of the room and says, "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Interpreting Employment Ads

"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Engineer in an interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Little heart

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school.

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag.

"When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Infant questions

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"