Wednesday, August 27, 2008

40 Things That Only Happen in Movies

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say “Hello� or “Goodbye� when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?� repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone's Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

How To Keep Awake During Office Meetings

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) the next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block: Synergy, strategic fit, core competencies, best practice, bottom line, revisit, expeditious, to tell you the truth (or "the truth is), 24/7, out of the loop, benchmark, value-added, proactive, win-win, think outside the box, fast track, result-driven, knowledge base, at the end of the day, touch base, mindset, client focus(ed), paradigm, game plan, leverage.

3. Now check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Monday, August 25, 2008

This is How You Do Business

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son...
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates...
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank...
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case....."

This is how business is done.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

20 Clever Business Signs

1) At an Optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

2) In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

3) In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

4) On a Plumber's Shop:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

5) On the trucks of a Plumbing Company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."

6) Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

7) At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

8) On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

9) At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

10) Another Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

11) On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

12) In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."

13) On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

14) On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

15) On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

16) At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

17) Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

18) In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"We'll be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

19) At a New Orleans waste disposal company:
"Our business is picking up, but it still stinks."

20) At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted."

Extra: In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Please drive carefully. We'll wait."

Extra: At a Propane Filling Station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

Saturday, August 23, 2008

20 Strange-But-True Facts!

1. To human taste buds, Zima is virtually indistinguishable from zebra urine.

2. SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below.

3. The Boeing 747 is capable of flying upside-down if it weren't for the fact that the wings would shear off when trying to roll it over.

4. Male rhesus monkeys often hang from tree branches by their amazing prehensile penises.

5. The increased electricity used by modern appliances is causing a shift in the Earth's magnetic field. By the year 2327, the North Pole will be located in mid-Kansas, while the South Pole will be just off the coast of East Africa.

6. In the weightlessness of space a frozen pea will explode if it comes in contact with Pepsi.

7. The Venezuelan brown bat can detect and dodge individual raindrops in mid-flight, arriving safely back at his cave completely dry.

8. Due to the natural "momentum" of the ocean, saltwater fish cannot swim backwards.

9. Although difficult, it's possible to start a fire by rapidly rubbing together two Cool Ranch Doritos.

10. In WWII the US military planned to airdrop over France propaganda in the form of Playboy magazine, with coded messages hidden in the models' turn-ons and turn-offs. The plan was scrapped because of a staple shortage due to rationing of metal.

11. Due to the angle at which the optic nerve enters the brain, staring at a blue surface during sex greatly increases the intensity of orgasms.

12. Urine from male cape water buffaloes is so flammable that some tribes use it for lantern fuel.

13. Approximately one-sixth of your life is spent on Wednesdays.

14. Until 1978, Camel cigarettes contained minute particles of real camels.

15. Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water.

16. In 1843, a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary box and consequently died of starvation.

17. The volume of water that the Giant Sequoia tree consumes in a 24-hour period contains enough suspended minerals to pave 17.3 feet of a 4-lane concrete freeway.

18. The skin needed for elbow transplants must be taken from the scrotum of a cadaver.

19. Silly Putty was "discovered" as the residue left behind after the first latex condoms were produced. It's not widely publicized for obvious reasons.

20. Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting.

Friday, August 22, 2008

12 Annoying Movie Cliches

The super-sped up cityscape

This scene requires shots of a moving and setting sun, buildings lighting up, and people zipping around

As seen in: Any movie that wants to have time pass between scenes but only has four seconds to do so

Why it's lame: We get it, lazy filmmaker. Time is elapsing, but in a super-cool-looking way! OMG! It's groundbreaking in a highly stylized way!

The "Now, what were you going to say?"

Right before a character has to confess something to someone, that person cuts him off and says something to make him feel like a guilty, royal asshole, and then says, "Now, what were you going to say?" to further dig the dagger into his side.

As seen in: Just about any chick flick

Why it's lame: Why the hell do those seven little words render the would-be confessor incapable of going through with what he was going to say? It's like verbal kryptonite. "Well, I was going to break up with you, but now you've made me feel guilty so I guess I'll just suffer silently! La dee dah!"

Ruining a huge event for selfish purposes

These scenes almost always take place during a wedding, but big speeches and presentations also suffice. Typically the point of ruining a mass public event is to confess one's love to someone.

As seen in: The Graduate, Wedding Crashers, Bubble Boy

Why it's lame: Dude, inconsiderate! It is such a dick move to ruin a huge event just to blurt out that you love someone. Worst. Timing. Ever. Plus, are we led to believe that the girl is only capable of changing her mind right before she says "I do"? There's a reason why the divorce rate is 50% in America, lady. Embrace the annulment.

The elaborate hacking-through-a-virtual-world scene

These scenes desperately want you to think that OMG HACKING LOOKS AWESOME!!! That hacker is so skilled! He can navigate through the mainframe's virtual world and find the little hidden box he needs to click on! Bravo, hacker. Bravo.

As seen in: Antitrust, Jurassic Park, Swordfish, Hackers

Why it's lame: This is what real hacking is like: Type type type. Type type. Type. It's a bunch of lines of code, and it's a terribly uninspiring interface. Visual interfaces are for old ladies who need to drag and drop a ginormous image of their dog Muffins to a folder. They're not used by any remotely good hacker. But since realistic hacking is too boring by Hollywood standards, we're subjected to faux-cool "virtual" hacking. Bleh.

The just-in-time bomb disabling

In this scene, the protagonist finds the bomb while it's ticking down its last minute to detonation, and he always cuts the wire and disables the bomb with exactly one second left on the timer, even though you're watching about ten minutes pass between him finding the bomb and disabling it.

As seen in: Speed, Die Hard III, Blown Away

Why it's lame: Can't anyone disable a bomb with ample time left nowadays? Is that just a lost art, like shoe cobbling?

Subduing the killer and promptly running away instead of repeatedly kicking his face in

Congratulations, you've just knocked out the axe-wielding maniac who's been chasing you for the past hour! Now it's time to finish him off by...running away?

As seen in: Any slasher film ever made

Why it's lame: He's incapacitated! Finish him off with a couple of Jersey stomps to the face! Why the hell would you want to run away and hide under a desk instead of kicking the killer's face into an indistinguishable mush?

Post-sex modesty

Mmmm, that sex sure was nasty. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to walk to the bathroom with the entire sheet wrapped around me like a burqa.

As seen in: any PG-13 movie that can't show T&A

Why it's lame: It's a strangely modest move to drape yourself in sex and fluids-soaked bedsheet, considering you just, you know, had sex. If the movie were realistic, the girl would hop out of bed and stroll to the bathroom bare-assed and sporting JBF hair.

Post-sex amnesia

This scene usually involves getting drunk, sleeping with someone, and then waking up the next morning and being utterly shocked, confused, and surprised that you slept with that person.

As seen in: Any movie where the guy gets into an argument with his girlfriend and then gets drunk and flirts with another girl at the bar, and then the scene cuts to the next morning where the ringing phone wakes the guy up, and it's his girlfriend calling to say that she loves him, and then he looks over next to him and sees the girl he picked up the night before naked and sleeping and he's like "Whaaaaa???!!"

Why it's lame: Roofies aside, how can you wake up having completely forgotten that you brought a girl home and sexed her up?

The "spontaneous" yet clearly choreographed mass dance sequence

Hey, this song is catchy! Oh, you think so, too? And so do the other thirty people in this room? Well, let's start dancing to it! Hey, you're moving to the left, too! And now to the right! Now a turn and a backflip! Wow, how do we all know the exact same moves?

As seen in: She's All That, A Knight's Tale, 13 Going on 30 ("Mattie! It's Thriller" has to be one of the stupidest lines in movie history, by the way)

Why it's lame: Must I really go into detail as to why this is completely and utterly idiotic?

The "clever" post-kill line

No action movie is complete without the requisite "clever" line to allude to the fact that you killed and/ordisposed of the bad guy.

As seen in:
Running Man ("He had to split"), Total Recall ("Consider that a divorce"), Batman & Robin ("Ice to meet you"), Eraser ("You're luggage")...come to think of it, pretty much any Schwarzenegger movie is an excellent example.

Why it's lame: Can't you just say "Yeah, I killed him. He's like, totally dead"? Why the cheeky allusions? They're not funny or clever. Just painful. Really, really painful.

Trying to win the girl away from her douchebag boyfriend

Here's how this cliche usually plays out: The main character is competing with some douchebag boyfriend for the girl of his dreams. Dream Girl doesn't know that her boyfriend is a douchebag, though, because somehow she's oblivious to his douchy ways. (He usually turns on the charm when she's around and commences douchiness when she leaves. He's sneaky, that douchebag.) Then, Douchebag Boyfriend makes the protagonist look like a prick and Dream Girl thinks the good guy is a jerk, only to find out at the end of the movie that her boyfriend was the douchebag all along. Protagonist gets the girl, happy times for all.

As seen in: Old School, Wedding Crashers, Just One of the Guys

Why it's lame: Can we have a fresh story arc for a change? What if the girl likes dating douchebags? Or maybe the guy she ends up picking in the end turns out to be a bigger douchebag than her old boyfriend? Maybe the girl becomes a nun and swears off all men for the rest of her life? I'm just saying that a change of pace would be nice.

The hand-wave motion

This scene consists of the character sticking her arm out the car window and moving her hand in that stupid wave motion

As seen in: Virtually every movie with a cross-country road trip scene

Why it's lame: This motion screams "Look how free-spirited I am! Even though we're driving down Route 66, I feel like I'm flying! I always want to feel this free!" Ugh. We get it. You're a hippy and you're so free-spirited that you make the same stupid wave motion as everyone else in a movie with a road trip.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Cartoon Laws of Physics

Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second squared takes over.

Exception: This does not apply to cool characters who've never studied law.
Appendum: Any species capable of flight, upon distraction of vertigo, will lose ability of flight. Conversely, any two feathers held in each hand and waved will (temporarily) give flight to any character that does so.

Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, thus the attempt to capture it will be inevitably ultimately unsuccessful; while the attempt will often be initially successful, an essentially valueless object, such as a feather or anvil falling on the head of the character will indirectly cause the destruction of the priceless one after a short pause in which the character who has caught the object has taken a deep breath.

The feather, anvil, or other object in question is likely to have been dropped by a mouse, IF the character trying to save it is a cat.

Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Corollary: Portable holes work.

Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary 1: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Corollary 2: Cartoons cats have the uncanny ability to emit piano sounds when their teeth are transformed into piano keys after having a piano dropped on them.

Cartoon Law IX
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law X
Everything (especially a coyote) falls faster than an anvil, or a boulder, or a large chunk of terra firma, or...

Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Corollary: Such upward motion will usually be restricted by an overhang of the nearest cliff wall, even though said cliff wall was never visible at any other point in the cartoon.

Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Exception 1: Only objects capable of being lifted by the toon can be produced from behind his/her back, unless they are to be used to clobber an opponent.

Exception 2: Only objects needed by the toon to express him/herself (e.g., signs for Road Runner or Calamity Coyote), or props needed for the situation (e.g., Buster's magnifying glass for the Roches), or to humiliate an opponent for a laugh may be produced in this manner. Objects that serve solely to gratify the toon (money, a Porsche, etc.) cannot be produced in this manner.

Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick-sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B), which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

Cartoon Law Amendment F
Any bag, sack, purse, etc. possessed by a cool character is a tesseract - any number of objects of any size may be placed in it or removed from it with no change in its outer dimensions.

Cartoon Law Amendment G
Characters can spin around and change into any set of clothes appropriate to the situation.

Cartoon Law Amendment H
Rabbits can dig a burrow from here to there in less than 20 seconds and emerge spotlessly clean.

Cartoon Law Amendment I
Movements are accompanied by funny sound effects.

Especially eye blinks, which usually are accompanied by xylophone or or other percussive noise type tinkles with each blink.

Cartoon Law Amendment J
Vehicle Uncertainty Principle:
A vehicle travelling along a straight path which extends to the horizon uninterrupted remains in state of indeterminacy-- existing invisibly at all points along the road simultaneously-- until its waveform is collapsed by a villain entering the road. This causes the vehicle to coalesce into an observable form at that location, maintaining high velocity. Classical cartoon physics take over at this point.

Translation into plain English:
As soon as Wile E. Coyote steps into the road, the bus appears to run him down.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Sketchy Hallmark Cards For Unloved Ones!

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Unusual eBay Responses

POSITIVE: Item shipped quickly, have been having erotic dreams about seller. Thanks!

POSITIVE: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside?

NEUTRAL: Excellent communication, but should've poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded.

NEGATIVE: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities.

NEGATIVE: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised.

NEUTRAL: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents.

POSITIVE: I don't really remember what I ordered. But I've been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it's great!

NEGATIVE: Product didn't work, possibly broken. I woke up this morning and was disappointed to find I still believe in Jesus Christ our Savior. :(

POSITIVE: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the "Rolex". HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

NEGATIVE: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bhats via Eastern Union Moneygram.

POSITIVE: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks!

NEGATIVE: The dog won't hunt.

NEGATIVE: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it's a size 34, not a 63 as advertised.

NEGATIVE: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe.

POSITIVE: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I've ever bought. Allah Akbar!

NEGATIVE: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24.

POSITIVE: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio... was that you?

POSITIVE: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+!

NEGATIVE: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair.

NEGATIVE: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I'd hoped.

Monday, August 18, 2008

11 Things That School Doesn't Teach You

Rule 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.

Rule 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with car phone, until you earn both.

Rule 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

Rule 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping they called it Opportunity.

Rule 6
If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Bill Gates spoke before a group of high school students and gave them his eleven rules of life. The rules are taken from the book "Dumbing Down our Kids" by educator Charles Sykes. It is a list of eleven things you did not learn in school and directed at high school and college grads.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Is It Male or Female?

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong ones.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female, because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

The Survival Guide for Horror Movie Characters

• When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

• If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house move away immediately.

• Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

• Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

• If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

• When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it alone.

• As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

• Never stand in, on, above, below, beside,or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

• If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

• If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

• Do not take *anything* from the dead.

• If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

• Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

• If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

• If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

• Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

• If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted- looking house to phone for help.

• Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

• Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Opposite Proverbs

All good things come to those who wait. /\ Time and tide wait for no man.

The pen is mightier than the sword. /\ Actions speak louder than words.

Wise men think alike. /\ Fools seldom differ.

The best things in life are free. /\ There’s no such thing as a free lunch .

Slow and steady wins the race. /\ Time waits for no man .

Look before you leap. /\ Strike while the iron is hot .

Do it well, or not at all. /\ Half a loaf is better than none.

Birds of a feather flock together. /\ Opposites attract.

Don’t cross your bri dg es before you come to them. /\ Forewarned is forearmed.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom. /\ Faith will move mountains.

Great starts make great finishes. /\ It ain’t over ’till it’s over.

Practice makes perfect. /\ All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Silence is golden. /\ The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

You’re never too old to learn. /\ You can’t teach an old dog new tricks

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. /\ One man’s meat is another man’s poison.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. /\ Out of sight, out of mind.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors. /\ Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Coding: In The Movies Vs In Real Life

1. Code does not move
In films and television code is always sailing across the screen at incredible speeds; it’s presented as an indecipherable stream of letters and numbers that make perfect sense to the programmer but dumbfound everyone else. I understand that to the non-savvy person the abilities of a programmer might seem amazingly complex, but do they honestly think we can read shit that isn’t sitting still? It’d be like trying to read six newspapers flying around in a tornado. Sure, I can watch a kernel compile, tail a log file, or simply monitor the scrolling output of a program - but the most value I get out of those activities is when execution stops and I can actually scroll back to read what the hell happened (unless the output was going slow enough I could read it as it happened).

2. Code is not green text on a black background
Sure, code can be green text on a black background if you want it to, but most programmers use syntax highlighting and sysadmins configure their shell to use ANSI color.

3. Code has structure
According to the movies all programmers abhor the space bar and enter key. In the real world code has structure - it’s got line breaks, spacing, and indentation. Granted, we’ve all written our share of unreadable hacks: I used to write a lot of perl and I had a knack for writing nasty regular expressions that moved many of my successors to committing seppuku, but those days are over. It’s all about clarity now.

4. Code is not three dimensional
Remember in “hackers” when the gibson is depicted as a three dimensional city that the hackers must navigate through? Bullshit! We may use a dash of color in our shell to make things a bit clearer, but last I checked my terminal app doesn’t require OpenGL. I’m working here, bitches - I’m not playing quake.

5. Code does not make blip noises as it appears on the screen
This goes for ANY text, not just code. When text appears on my monitor it doesn’t make blip sounds - this isn’t 1902 (or whenever monitors used to do that). This is one of the most common offenses in Hollywood films, almost every movie that has a scene where a character is composing an email or surfing the net has the text make blippity-blip sounds as it appears. Do they have any idea how fucking irritating that would be in real life? This article alone would be like thirty thousand blippity-blips.

6. Code cannot be cracked by an 8 year old kid in a matter of seconds
Sorry, no. Just no.

7. Not all code is meant to be cracked
Hollywood loves to endorse the notion that programming, encryption, and complex computing in general are all the same thing: a jumble of secretive data that must be broken by a seriously (srsly!) clever hacker. This is somewhat understandable because the term “code” itself is ambigious. In the realm of computing, code typically has two definitions:
1. The symbolic arrangement of instructions that a computer can understand - like “Your PHP code is shit”
2. The disguised transformation of a message - “The Navajo code talkers in WWII”
Hollywood usually applies #2 to all of a programmer’s computing activities. There are no windows to drag, no enclosing brackets or IF statements, there’s no desktop. Everything on the computer takes the form of an encrypted message, which must make looking at hot steamy pr0n a real bitch (md5 makes me flaccid).

8. Code isn’t just 0100110 010101 10100 011
Sure, when you get down to the binary level it’s a bunch of 1’s and 0’s, but who does that? I’ve never met anyone who codes binary. Hey Hollywood directors: programmers use this neat thing called the ALPHABET. It’s got letters that you put together to form words. We even put spaces between those words (see #3).
Also, the whole joke about everything on a computer being just a bunch of 1’s and 0’s has become painfully not funny. It ranks right up there with the joke about the user who uses his cdrom tray as a cupholder, I’m pretty sure I’d heard that joke a thousand times by 1997. Just because all data on a computer is ultimately represented by one or a zero doesn’t mean that the basis behind it is as simple as a one or a zero. That’s like saying all humanity ultimately boils down to a bunch of carbon atoms (or whatever the hell we’re made of), so the next time someone steals my car I can laugh it off and say “Oh those silly carbon atoms!”

9. People who write code use mice
According to Hollywood most programmers haven’t discovered how to use a mouse. Sure, we type fast, but a mouse is a very useful tool and there’s no reason we’d abandon it. While we’re dispelling stereotypes, I’d also like to say that not all programmers are hot-pocket eating virgins who play WoW. Some of us exercise and have active social lives. Some have even had SEX! Holy Crap!

10. Most code is not inherently cross platform
Remember in Independence Day when whatshisface-math-guy writes a virus that works on both his apple laptop AND an alien mothership? Bullshit! If real life were like film I’d be able to port wordpress to my toaster using a cat5 cable and a bag of glitter.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

11 Trippy Questions

Q1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms: The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

Q2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

Q3. A magician was boasting one day at how long he could hold his breath under water. His record was 6 minutes. A kid that was listening said, "that's nothing, I can stay under water for 10 minutes using no type of equipment or air pockets!" The magician told the kid if he could do that, he'd give him $10,000. The kid did it and won the money. Can you figure out how?

Q4. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

Q5. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?

Q6. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

Q7. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

Q8. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Q9. If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Q10. (in your head!) Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Q11. Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?


A1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

A2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

A3. The kid filled a glass of water and held it over his head for 10 minutes.

A4. Colour and Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

A5. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: hmmmm... Barbecue.

A6. Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.

A7. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph

A8. If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

A9. If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

A10. Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

A11. Nunu? NO! Of course not. The fifth daughter is Mary. Read the question again.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

44 Things You Didn't Know

1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.

2. Kotex was first manufacturer of bandages, during W.W.I.

3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.

5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.

6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.

7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.

8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.

12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.

13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

14. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

15. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

16. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

17. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.

18. Every person has a unique tongue print.

19. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.

20. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

21. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.

22. Bubble gum contains rubber.

23. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.

24. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

25. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.

26. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.

27. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

28. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.

29. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.

30. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.

31. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.

32. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.

33. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

34. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

35. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western

36. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.

37. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

38. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.

39. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

40. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
41. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
42. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
43. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."
44. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Top 20 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.

3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

20. No, my powers can only be used for good.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

35 Universal Truths

1 Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2 At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3 One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4 You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green chips.

5 Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6 Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7 Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8 You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10 Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11 You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12 Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13 Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14 Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15 You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16 Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17 The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18 The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19 Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20 Every guy has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21 Old women with mobile phones look wrong! 22 Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23 Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24 You never ever run out of salt.

25 Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26 You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27 There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28 No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29 Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30 The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31 People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32 You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33 Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34 Bricks are horrible to carry.

35 In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

A Collection of Fabulous Come-Back Lines

Man 'Haven't we met before?'
Woman 'Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.'

Man 'So, wanna go back to my place?'
Woman 'Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?'

Man 'I'd really like to get into your pants.'
Woman 'No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.'

The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man 'Want to Dance?'
Woman 'No, thank you.'
Man 'Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you.'

Man 'I'd like to call you. What's your number?'
Woman 'It's in the phone book.'
Man 'But I don't know your name.'
Woman 'That's in the phone book too.'

Man 'So what do you do for a living?'
Woman 'Female impersonator.'

Man 'You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you.'
Woman (tries to ignore him)
Man 'You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?'
Woman ' really love sex and travel?'
Man (nods his head smiling)
Woman 'Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!'

Friday, August 8, 2008

Air Traffic Control Humour

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Children On Love And Marriage


"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10


"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6


"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8


"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8


"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10


"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9


"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8


"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10


"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7


"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Top 8 Embarassing Doctor Situations

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. So I shortly after moved my practice and am now doing Beverly Hills plastic surgery. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, Beverly Hills, CA.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Who is now practicing plastic surgery in Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg who specializes in cosmetic surgery in Los Angeles, CA.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair who is now performing plastic surgery in San Diego, CA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. Wouldn't submit his name

Monday, August 4, 2008

Top 20 Unusual Homicides

20. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, was killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged period of "fun" she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

19. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day but, crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party, her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

18. Peter Stone, 42 years old, was murdered by his eight year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip pnd promptly collapsed (Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later).

17. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend Charla after he attempted to "have his way with her". His unwelcome advances were met with a prompt kick in the chest and then four shots from a doubled barrelled shot gun Charla's father had given to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

16. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for eight years (yes, eight years). Landlord Kirk Weston clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

15. Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her one year old sister who climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her.

14. Megan Fri, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing the troopers all walking slow down the street, Megan jumped out in front of them and yelled, "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their target. "She just looked like a very real looking target," one of the troopers stated in his report.

13. Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a hitman hired by her ex-boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The hitman was promised to be paid $500,000 for the task. The hitman killed the boyfriend after he found out that a 16 year old high school student, whose father was in jail for rape and whose mother worked as an ironing lady, didn't have access to $500,000.

12. Louis Zaragoza, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to work. His wife, Lee Zaragoza, had been plotting to kill him for over a year, and had cut the brakes on his car four times previously. On this attempt, Lee was just about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her. He grabbed her and spun her around. As he did, she lost her footing and stumbled into him, stabbing him in the lower ventricle of the heart, killing him instantly.

11. Mahmood Foli, 22 years old, was killed by an unknown member of the Russian Mafia after he accidentally took away the gangster's drink too soon at the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset that he forced the waiter to drink over 27 litres of Coca Cola (the drink he had taken away) until Mahmood drowned.

10. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long. Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

9. Helena Simms, wife of the famous American Nuclear Scientist Harold Simms, was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of three months, Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

8. Military Sargent John Joe Winter killed his "two timing wife" by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kilograms of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was witnessed by several persons, some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 metre deep crater and 500 metres of missing road.

7. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at a empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this, he invited Miss Winter over "for a cup of coffee and a chat" about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine. As she walked into the yard, he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

6. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie 'Die Hard With a Vengeance' as his inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read "Death to all niggers!" on one side and "God loves the K.K.K." on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

5. Jay Newton was killed after a co-worker at Sea World in Florida dropped a 20 tonne killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted out of his tank by a Master Tonne Crane, when the victim swam underneath to inspect the harness. His colleague, Brian Hartley, released the whale, crushing the victim instantly (and emptying a quarter of the water from the pool).

4. Carl Densinter, 34 years old, was killed by a fellow worker trying to prove a point. The worker, San Amote Pet, disconnected the internal landing gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane (the plane's gear automatically retracts after take off). But come landing time, the landing gear wouldn't re-engage. The helpless Densinter couldn't do a thing as the plane eventually ran out of fuel. In an attempt at an emergency landing, the 747 exploded and Densinter was killed instantly.

3. Mary Dridely, Joseph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed as they walked past a New York apartment building. David Smee, aged 7, and his 6 year old sister were left alone in their 27th floor hotel room by their parents as they went to the hotel's gaming room. Bored, the kids though it would be fun to try to squish the "ant looking things on the foot path below" (people). They started by throwing fruit, then quickly graduated to chairs, televisions, even the drawers from the bedroom dresser.

2. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem and had no sense of smell. After the argument, Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the three gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me. Brian." Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house and himself in the process.

1. Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her zookeeper boyfriend Matthew Kellaway after she refused sex. He 'invited her' to the zoo to see the lions feeding, and at feeding time led her into a room that had a large slide away panel. He explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to watch the lions devour their prey. He 'ducked out for a quick smoke' and locked her in the room. Suddenly the slide away panel opened to reveal many people staring at her. She was just about to yell and tell them that they were on the wrong side of the glass when she realised that it was her on the wrong side. Another panel opened and three hungry lions were let into the pen. Gail survived for two days in hospital before dying of massive internal injuries.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

35 Fun Things to Do While Driving

1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.

13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.

16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. Keep at least five cats in the car.

23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

24. If an fire truck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!

25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.

26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

27. Stop and collect roadkill.

28. Stop and pray for roadkill.

29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)

30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.

31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"

34. Sing without having the radio on.

35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off..

Saturday, August 2, 2008

19 Ways to Maintain Your Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name "Rock Hard".

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Friday, August 1, 2008

Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."

11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"

2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".

1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."