Friday, June 27, 2008

Top 10 Reasons not to Vote!

10. You can't find a stamp to put on your mail registration form.

9. You refuse to vote until your pet monkey can vote.

8. You're in prison.

7. You can't understand why they don't drag the voting booth to your house.

6. You went last time, and there was no free food.

5. You have so many political-ads-on-a-stick in your yard you can't even make it to your car.

4. You're under 18.

3. The person who works the voting booths also works at the movie theatre, and if you go to vote she won't let you have the children's discount anymore.

2. You feel guilty when the person you voted against loses the race.

1. The check hasn't cleared yet.

Friday, June 20, 2008

35 Predictions from 50’s

 1. “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its’ going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.

2. “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.”

3. “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.”

4. “Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?”

5. “The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it’s going to be impossible to run a family business or farm.”

6. “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”

7. “When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a
gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”

8. “Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.”

9. “Also, their music drives me wild. This ‘Rock Around The Clock’ thing is nothing but racket.”

10. “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every movie has a ‘hell’ or a ‘damn’ in it.”

11. “Also, it won’t be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?”

12. “Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore.”

13. “Pretty soon you won’t be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar.”

14. “I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century.They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”

15. “Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president.”

16. “Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?”

17. “I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.”

18. “It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.”

19. “It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”

20. “Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.”

21. “I’ll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won’t be able to sit down for a week.”

22. “Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?”

23. “Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops.”

24. “I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”

25. “Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.”

26. “Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn’t she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer.”

27. “I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids ‘Don’t take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it.’”

28. “The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”

29. “There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.”

30. “No one can afford to be sick any more, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.”

31. “If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that’s fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.”

32. “I don’t know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I’ll just have to drink mine at home.”

33. “If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I’ll have my wife learn to cut hair.”

34. “We won’t be going out much any more. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.”

35. “Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.”

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Top 10 things not to say to your teacher

10. “Of course I'm not listening to you. Don't be so ridiculous.”

9. “Wow! I saw your pics on this site that required by dad's credit card”.

8. "Why did I get a D and Timmy get an A when he copied mine!"

7. "What are you gonna do? Fail me?"

6. “Oh! I had no idea they'd moved the age of retirement up a few years.”

5. “It's not my fault, honestly. The Bunsen Burner just took on a life of its own.”

4. “You don't really expect me to waste my time on this, do you? The Simpsons are on.”

3. “Of course I'm eligible for LCVP. I'm the most eligible bachelor here!”

2. “But I thought that ‘Higher' level maths meant we were supposed to bring LSD to class.”

1. “I left it at home. No, really. It's lying on my desk at home right now. Seriously.”

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Top Ten Changes At NASA To Accommodate 76 Year-Old John Glenn’s Return To Space

10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.

9. Shuttle’s thermostat set at 80 degrees.

8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.

7. “Early Bird” specials from Morrison’s Cafeteria included on menu.

6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.

5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.

4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.

3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.

2. Space pants now go up to armpits.

1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Top 10 Alcohol Warnings

1. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

2. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

3. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your dick at the office Christmas party.

6. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

9. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than someone really, really big named Psycho.

Monday, June 16, 2008

25 Ways To Torture Your Roommate At Christmas

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.

2. Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.

3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.

4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town....”

5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.

6. Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say “you’ve been very naughty this year.”

7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e. “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.”)

9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

10. Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roomate’s two front teeth...”

11. Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

12. Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t work!”

13. Whip your roomate screaming “now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”

14. Tear down all your roomate’s Christmas decorations yelling “Bah Humbug!”

15. Wake up every morning screaming “Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!”

16. Tell your roomate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a house on 34th Street.

17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.

18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate’s friends “give it a yank.”

20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”

21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” over and over in your underwear.

22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.

23. Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, “he sees you when you’re sleeping....”

24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her “I had to let them stay here, there’s no room at the inn.”

25. When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Diet tips

1. If you eat something and no one sees you, it has no calories.

2. If you eat a candy bar with a diet soda, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you only eat as much as they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes are never counted, such as hot chocolate, brandy, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. Movie and TV foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s daily fuel; such as Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, and Tootsie Rolls.

6. Pieces of cookies contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

7. Things licked off of knives and spoons during the process of preparation have no calories. Example: peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich.

8. Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

9. If you fatten up everyone else, you look thinner.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Top 10 reasons The Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt In The Star Trek Universe

10. In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on “stun”.

9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp—the Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookiee.

8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

6. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

5. One word: “light sabers”.

4. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.

3. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

2. Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

1. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class “M” or not.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Top 10 Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how ’bout that?... I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude.... I like that.

7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car—go crazy.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies—you know—that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring—now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. I was smoking and drinking a lot in your age.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

It’s Time To Abandon Your Space Station when...

1. “Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Ukraine regret to inform you of the cancellation of your insurance policy...”

2. It’s down to just you and Sigourney Weaver.

3. Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops.

4. Mission Control asks if you can “beam down immediately.”

5. Network news broadcasts have started referring to you as “Spam in a can.”

6. That’s one small scratch on the port, one giant gash on the starboard side.

7. The Super Glue is gone and you’re down to one roll of duct tape.

8. They’ve already chosen Tom Hanks to play you in Apollo 13, Part II.

9. You and your comrades realize those weren’t “spare” oxygen generator parts you made the still out of.

10. You overhear Mission Control arguing over who gets to keep your stuff.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

You Know You’re Too Stressed If

20. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

19. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

18. The Sun is too loud.

17. Trees begin chasing you.

16. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

15. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.

14. You can hear mimes.

13. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

12. Things become “Very Clear.”

11. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

10. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.

9. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

8. You keep yelling “Stop touching me!” even though you are the only one in the room.

7. David Lynch comes up to you and says: “Hey! Can I film you?”

6. You can skip without a rope.

5. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

4. You can travel without moving.

3. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

2. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

1.Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Top 10 Funny Quotes

10. Work is the curse of the drinking classes. (Oscar Wilde).

9. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain).

8. The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. (Jeanne-Marie Roland).

7. Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning. (George W Bush).

6. Never give a sucker an even break. (W. C. Fields).

5. I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns).

4. Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. (Woody Allen).

3. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. (Groucho Marx).

2. Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. (Mae West).

1. You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. (Homer J. Simpson).

Monday, June 9, 2008

You vs your boss

1. When you take a long time, you're slow.
    When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

2. When you don't do it, you're lazy.
    When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
    When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
    When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

5. When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
    When your boss does it, he's being firm.

6. When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
    When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

7. When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
    When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
    When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

9. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
    When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

10. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
      When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer...

1. If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

2. To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

3. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

4. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

5. To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

6. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

7. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

8. When you loose your car keys, click on find.

9. "Help" with the chores is just a click away.

10. Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

11. And, we could click on "Send now" and a Pizza would be on it's way.

Are Computers Male or Female?

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Top 20 Children's Advice

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. (Patrick, age 10)

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. (Michael, age 14)

3. Never tell your mom her diet isn't working. (John, age 13)

4. Stay away from prunes. (Randy, age 9)

5. Never pee on an electric fence. (Robert, age 13)

6. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. (Emily, age 10)

7. Don't squat with your spurs on. (Billy, age 9)

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. (Melissa, age 11)

9. Never allow your 3-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment. (Ann, age 14)

10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.(Mitchell, age 12)

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.(Andrew, age 9)

12. Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time. (Ramona, age 9)

13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. (Joey, age 10)

14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. (Kelly, age 11)

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. (Jill, age 14)

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. (Lauren, age 9)

17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. (Tommy, age 10)

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.(Lee, age 13)

19. Never try to baptize a cat. (Eileen, age 8)

20. I know God knows when you are bad, but it's your parents you have to worry about.(Sam, age 9)

Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will lay with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o' on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back .... we..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone’s noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (This is actually true for prop aircraft!)

8. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9. This is your Captain speaking....these dang planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to… so you'll have to give me some leeway......

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades
and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh, no!

12. Don't worry that one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

14. Drinks are on me ... or I'll have what the Captain's having.

Things to Do at a Boring Movie

1. Wear a top hat.

2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"

3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.

4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.

5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."

6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you have some Juiji fruits for your asthma.

7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"

8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!!"

9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.

10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding.

11. Yell out what is going to happen.

12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.

13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahahahaha!!!!!" and
run away.

14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.

15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.

16. Yell out loud, "Stop molesting me!"

Thursday, June 5, 2008

19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Prison vs School

1. In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At school you spend most of your time at a desk that sticks to your butt.

2. In prison you get three meals a day.
At school you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

3. In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At school you get rewarded for good behavior by being called the teachers pet.

4. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At school u get locked out of your classroom from the outside.

5. In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At school you get detention for playing games.

6. In prison you get your own toilet.
At school you have to share and wait your turn on line.

7. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At school you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

8. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At school you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Top 10 Things Men Understand about Women


Nice top 10, right? Actually, I think men understand about women even less than that.

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

1. Other women.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Top 25 Signs That You've Already Grown Up

1. Your potted plants stay alive.

2. Fooling around in a twin sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff,'

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.

23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Top 21 Things Not to Say When Pulled Over by the Cops

21. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

20. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

19. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

18. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

17. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police

16. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

15. Bad cop. No donut.

14. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

12. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds.

9. I pay your salary.

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

Monday, June 2, 2008

Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

10 Ways to tell Santa is a Computer Nerd

10. He's got long hair, a beard and wears the same clothes all the time.

9. He hangs out with a weird group of friends he calls "elves".

8. He's got a goofy laugh and chuckles at anything.

7. He loves getting mail.

6. Children like him, teenagers laugh at him, adults pretend he doesn't exist.

5. He makes all the toys himself believing no one else can do as good a job.

4. He thinks nothing of hacking into your home late at night.

3. He refuses to sell his toys, preferring them to remain shareware.

2. He shuns conventional transportation and insists on using a sleigh pulled by reindeer.

1. His biggest regret on Christmas Eve is that his red suit doesn't hold a pocket protector.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Time Changes Behaviour

The "Love" Word:
6 weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you.
6 months: Of course I love you!
6 years: God, if I didn't love you, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks: Honey, I'm home.
6 months: BACK!!
6 years: What did your mom cook for us today?

6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living Room
6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone
6 months: Here, for you
6 years: Phone Ringing!

6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: Come on, again?

6 weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, I’ll never hold this against you
6 months: Watch out! Don't do it again?
6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said?

New Dress:
6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress
6 months: You bought a new dress again?
6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months: I like this movie.
6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself.