Computer Programming Quotes

There are only two industries that refer to their customers as "users".
-Edward Tufte

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-Pablo Picasso

Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work. Practice is when something works, but you don't know why. Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don't know why.

I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.

A Programmer's Lament
For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
-H L Mencken

And the users exclaimed with a laugh and a taunt: It's just what we asked for but not what we want.

Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them.
-Laurence J. Peter

Kids Look At Things Differently

POLICE
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?

POLICE
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather... and unto the Soonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the ages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

Quotes About Stupidity

"Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."
-Anonymous

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
-Albert Einstein

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and consciencious stupidity."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education."
-Bertrand Russell

"Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change."
-Confucius

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
-Bertrand Russell

"Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders."
-Sloan Wilson

"A stupid child is ruin to a father, and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain."
-The Bible: Hebrew, Proverbs 19:13

"Stupid is as stupid does."
-Forrest Gump

"'Stupid as a man,' say the women: 'cowardly as a woman,' say the men. Stupidity in a woman is unwomanly."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
-Thomas Szasz

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."
-George Bernard Shaw

"To be stupid and selfish and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."
-Gustave Flaubert

"Sure the people are stupid: the human race is stupid. Sure Congress is an inefficient instrument of government. But the people are not stupid enough to abandon representative government for any other kind, including government by the guy who knows."
-Bernard Devoto

"There is no cure for stupid wives and willful children."
-Chinese proverb

"A clever wife often sleeps with a stupid husband."
-Chinese proverb

"Unless one pretends to be stupid and deaf, it is difficult to be a mother-in-law or father-in-law."
-Chinese proverb

"The ugly and the stupid have the best of it in this world. They can sit at their ease and gape at the play. If they know nothing of victory, they are at least spared the knowledge of defeat."
-Oscar Wilde

"You even called me stupid in your verse, and I’m almost agreeing, for where stupidity is involved, you are quite an expert, friend."
-Franz Grillparzer

"Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives."
-Oscar Wilde

"One always has the idea of a stupid man as perfectly healthy and ordinary, and of illness as making one refined and clever and unusual."
-Thomas Mann

"The only thing that ever consoles man for the stupid things he does is the praise he always gives himself for doing them."
-Oscar Wilde

"I had rather be an oyster than a man, the most stupid and senseless of animals."
-George Berkeley

"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."
-George Bernard Shaw

"We have no words for speaking of wisdom to the stupid. He who understands the wise is wise already."
-G.C. Lichtenberg

"There are only two races on this planet-the intelligent and the stupid."
-John Fowles

"Between a fellow who is stupid and honest and one who is smart and crooked, I will take the first. I won’t get much out of him, but with that other guy I can’t keep what I’ve got."
-Gen Lewis B Hershey, Director, Selective Service System

"One must be a little foolish, if one does not want to be even more stupid."
-Michel de Montaigne

"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid."
-P.J. O’Rourke

"Only in Britain could it be thought a defect to be 'too clever by half.' The probability is that too many people are too stupid by three-quarters."
-John Major

"You have to believe in God before you can say there are things that man was not meant to know. I don’t think there’s anything man wasn’t meant to know. There are just some stupid things that people shouldn’t do."
-David Cronenberg

Celebrity Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama, 1994 Miss USA Pageant

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researches also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
- Mat Lauer, Today Show, NBC

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
- Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks
(more sports quotes)

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
- Marion Barry, Washing, D.C. Mayor

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Dan Quayle, U.S. Vice President

Warning Labels

On Sears Hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like other soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom of box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive ar or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Quotes from Sport Celebrities

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season..."I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for four years, not Princeton."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

1992 - Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

1982 - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

1981 - Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' "

Tips for Working

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.

People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts.

Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail.

If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it".

If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . . You can always borrow from the library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

37 world’s smallest books

1.The Code of Ethics for Lawyers

2.The Australian Book of Foreplay

3.The Book of Motivated Postal Workers

4.Americans' Guide to Etiquette

5.The World Guide to Good American Beer

6.Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages

7.Safe Places to Travel in the USA

8.Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity

9.Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction

10.Contraception by Pope John Paul II

11.Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu

12.The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex

13.The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.

14.Consumer Marketing Ethics

15.Al Gore: The Wild Years

16.America's Most Popular Lawyers

17.Career Opportunities for History Majors

18.Detroit - A Travel Guide

19.Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

20.Easy UNIX

21.Everything Men Know about Women

22.George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

23.Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

24.The Amish Phone Book

25.Great Women Drivers Of Today

26.Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno

27.Home Built Airplanes by John Denver

28.How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino

29.Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton

30.My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan

31.Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates

32.Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman

33.The Wild Years by Al Gore

34.Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific

35.America's Most Popular Lawyers

36.All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres

37.Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club

30 signs that technology has taken over your life

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

Top 10 signs your company is going to downsize

1. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.

2. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator”.

3. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.

4. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.

5. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.

6. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.

7. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.

8. Employee discount days at the local “Army & Navy Surplus Store” are discontinued.

9. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin).

10. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.

12 things men know

Men know that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

Men know that it’s never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

Top 17 Headlines of 2050

1. Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock

2. Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

3. Florida to Be Readmitted to Union

3. Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were “Just For Fun”

4. Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President

5. Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C.

6. Cody, Cassidy Gifford Elude Authorities. Drug-Crazed Crime Spree Continues

7. President “Bonecrusher” Jones to Face Chief Justice “Mad Dog” Ortega In Cage Match

8. Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife

9. Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

10. Younger Generation’s Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

11. D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

12. Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby’s

13. Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper’s Allegations

14. Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges

15. 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

16. Baby Conceived Naturally

17. It Wasn’t the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays

Top 10 signs you have eaten too much

1. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net.

2. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams.

3. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps.

4. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker.

5. Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President”.

6. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Good Lord!”.

7. You now have an ass the size of Plymouth Rock.

8. People keep looking at you and saying, “I thought the Macy’s Parade was over”.

9. Your relatives can’t go home because they’re stuck in your gravitational field.

10. You’re sweating gravy, my friend!

Top 10 Worst Things To Say at a Funeral

10.  Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?

9. Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years!

8. The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!

7.  (to children) Be quiet or we'll bury you with him.

6.  I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.

5.  I don't really know him/her. I'm just here for the free food afterwards.

4.  It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining.

3.  Is this service over yet? I'm gonna miss the hockey game.

2.  (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh? Kill people and break up families? Tell me... Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an asshole.

1.  (to widow) Well, you're officially single now. Whatcha doin' Friday night?