Top 17 Headlines of 2050

1. Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock

2. Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

3. Florida to Be Readmitted to Union

3. Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were “Just For Fun”

4. Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President

5. Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C.

6. Cody, Cassidy Gifford Elude Authorities. Drug-Crazed Crime Spree Continues

7. President “Bonecrusher” Jones to Face Chief Justice “Mad Dog” Ortega In Cage Match

8. Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife

9. Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

10. Younger Generation’s Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

11. D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

12. Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby’s

13. Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper’s Allegations

14. Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges

15. 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

16. Baby Conceived Naturally

17. It Wasn’t the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays