Air Traffic Control Humour

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

35 Fun Things to Do While Driving

1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.

13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.

16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. Keep at least five cats in the car.

23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

24. If an fire truck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!

25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.

26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

27. Stop and collect roadkill.

28. Stop and pray for roadkill.

29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)

30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.

31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"

34. Sing without having the radio on.

35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off..

Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back .... we..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone’s noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (This is actually true for prop aircraft!)

8. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9. This is your Captain speaking....these dang planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to… so you'll have to give me some leeway......

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades
and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh, no!

12. Don't worry that one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

14. Drinks are on me ... or I'll have what the Captain's having.

Top 21 Things Not to Say When Pulled Over by the Cops

21. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

20. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

19. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

18. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

17. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police
officer.

16. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

15. Bad cop. No donut.

14. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

12. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds.

9. I pay your salary.

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

Top 10 Lame excuses for Speeding

10. The only way I could demonstrate my faulty clutch was to accelerate madly.

9. There was a suspected case of foot and mouth and I had to rush to see the cow concerned.

8. A violent sneeze caused a chain reaction where my foot pushed down harder on the accelerator.

7. I had to rush my dying hamster to the vets.

6. The vibrations from the surfboard I had on the roof rack set off the camera.

5. Strong wind behind my car pushed me over the limit.

4. My friend had just chopped his fingers off and I was rushing the fingers to hospital.

3. I was in the airport's flight path and I believe the camera was triggered by a jet overhead, not my car

2. I had passed out after seeing flashing lights, which I believed to be UFOs in the distance. The flash of the camera brought me round from my trance.

1. True story. A Swiss man was caught speeding on a Canadian highway and he said “I was taking an advantage of the ability to go faster without risking hitting a goat".