Top 10 Reasons not to Vote!

10. You can't find a stamp to put on your mail registration form.

9. You refuse to vote until your pet monkey can vote.

8. You're in prison.

7. You can't understand why they don't drag the voting booth to your house.

6. You went last time, and there was no free food.

5. You have so many political-ads-on-a-stick in your yard you can't even make it to your car.

4. You're under 18.

3. The person who works the voting booths also works at the movie theatre, and if you go to vote she won't let you have the children's discount anymore.

2. You feel guilty when the person you voted against loses the race.

1. The check hasn't cleared yet.

35 Predictions from 50’s

 1. “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its’ going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.

2. “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.”

3. “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.”

4. “Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?”

5. “The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it’s going to be impossible to run a family business or farm.”

6. “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”

7. “When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a
gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”

8. “Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.”

9. “Also, their music drives me wild. This ‘Rock Around The Clock’ thing is nothing but racket.”

10. “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every movie has a ‘hell’ or a ‘damn’ in it.”

11. “Also, it won’t be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?”

12. “Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore.”

13. “Pretty soon you won’t be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar.”

14. “I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century.They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”

15. “Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president.”

16. “Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?”

17. “I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.”

18. “It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.”

19. “It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”

20. “Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.”

21. “I’ll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won’t be able to sit down for a week.”

22. “Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?”

23. “Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops.”

24. “I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”

25. “Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.”

26. “Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn’t she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer.”

27. “I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids ‘Don’t take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it.’”

28. “The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”

29. “There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.”

30. “No one can afford to be sick any more, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.”

31. “If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that’s fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.”

32. “I don’t know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I’ll just have to drink mine at home.”

33. “If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I’ll have my wife learn to cut hair.”

34. “We won’t be going out much any more. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.”

35. “Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.”

Top 10 things not to say to your teacher

10. “Of course I'm not listening to you. Don't be so ridiculous.”

9. “Wow! I saw your pics on this site that required by dad's credit card”.

8. "Why did I get a D and Timmy get an A when he copied mine!"

7. "What are you gonna do? Fail me?"

6. “Oh! I had no idea they'd moved the age of retirement up a few years.”

5. “It's not my fault, honestly. The Bunsen Burner just took on a life of its own.”

4. “You don't really expect me to waste my time on this, do you? The Simpsons are on.”

3. “Of course I'm eligible for LCVP. I'm the most eligible bachelor here!”

2. “But I thought that ‘Higher' level maths meant we were supposed to bring LSD to class.”

1. “I left it at home. No, really. It's lying on my desk at home right now. Seriously.”

Top Ten Changes At NASA To Accommodate 76 Year-Old John Glenn’s Return To Space

10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.

9. Shuttle’s thermostat set at 80 degrees.

8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.

7. “Early Bird” specials from Morrison’s Cafeteria included on menu.

6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.

5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.

4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.

3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.

2. Space pants now go up to armpits.

1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.

Top 10 Alcohol Warnings

1. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

2. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

3. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your dick at the office Christmas party.

6. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

9. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than someone really, really big named Psycho.

25 Ways To Torture Your Roommate At Christmas

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.

2. Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.

3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.

4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town....”

5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.

6. Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say “you’ve been very naughty this year.”

7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e. “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.”)

9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

10. Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roomate’s two front teeth...”

11. Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

12. Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t work!”

13. Whip your roomate screaming “now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”

14. Tear down all your roomate’s Christmas decorations yelling “Bah Humbug!”

15. Wake up every morning screaming “Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!”

16. Tell your roomate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a house on 34th Street.

17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.

18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate’s friends “give it a yank.”

20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”

21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” over and over in your underwear.

22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.

23. Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, “he sees you when you’re sleeping....”

24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her “I had to let them stay here, there’s no room at the inn.”

25. When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.

Diet tips

1. If you eat something and no one sees you, it has no calories.

2. If you eat a candy bar with a diet soda, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you only eat as much as they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes are never counted, such as hot chocolate, brandy, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. Movie and TV foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s daily fuel; such as Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, and Tootsie Rolls.

6. Pieces of cookies contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

7. Things licked off of knives and spoons during the process of preparation have no calories. Example: peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich.

8. Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

9. If you fatten up everyone else, you look thinner.